Bridge Jokes

What's in his hand?

The hostess of a bride got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”

John's partner said, “Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!”

Applied physics

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some bridge players appear bright until you hear them speak in the post-mortem.

How should I have played? “How should I have played that hand?” “Under an assumed name”

How much exercise?

A doctor, concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge-playing patients, during a regular check-up asked,

“Do you get much exercise?”

“Only when I sit East-West,” was the reply Every day.

A Matter of Priority

“But I might be dying!” says the man.

“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available.”

Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing.”

“I’m sorry,” says the nurse, “she’ll have to wait in line.”

Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”

“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he’s a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid.”

Number One Desire

“Hi there!” she says.

The man is amazed. “But… but… how did you get here?”

“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette.

“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”

“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey.

“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!”

Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you really want.”

“What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”

Marital Bliss

When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!”

“You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”

One Wish

The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”

The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.”

“Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”

Professional Opinion Bill: My cardiologist says I can't play bridge. Tom: Why not? Do you have a heart problem? Bill: Nope. He's just played with me enough to know I'm hopeless.

Survival Options

“Let's send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator.

“Won't work!” said the second. “Let's build a fire so they'll see the smoke.”

“No!” said the third. “We'll need all the wood to build a shelter.”

“Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let's just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game.”

Did You Know? 43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail. 62.7 percent of all bridge players are women. 97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

Medical Problem

Joe: Has he seen a doctor?

Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors.

Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain?

Jim: Oh, sure. But they also eliminated all his money.

Did You Hear…

About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”

About the man who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never"

		About the Elvis Presley coup? It's when your left-hand opponent leads from his A-Q around to your K-x: the King is no longer dead!

Better than all the rest... Pattaya's bridge club director is Quest, Who some people loved to detest.       But when put to the test       He plays with such zest That some call him "simply the best"

The ultimate quest Three wise Kings came from the West on a mission to seek out Quest.        But how wise could they be,        if they came as a three? Now with four Kings I would be impressed.	Remarkable book Many bridge players have now invested in the remarkable book by Quested.       With Quest transfers, Stayman and Jacoby       the tome really is a must be. So buy it if your'e interested.
Table manners Playing bridge against Hannibal Lector In horror I called the director        “ My partners being ate;        off the bone, not the plate!” But the laws of bridge couldn't protect her.	Pattaya attire Some visitors came to Pattaya but their attire left much to desire.       So I gave them the boot       and I don't give a hoot if from the bridge club they had to retire.
All wind? Now Chuck was a fearsome virago who hailed from windy Chicago.       But his manners were wane,       indeed some thought him insane, so he's hightailed it back on Wells Fargo	No Luck for Chuck There once was a member named Chuck whose postmortems really did suck.       He crossed swords with Terry       and he's not now so merry as he's banished and out of luck.
No Guess for Bess There once was a player named Bess, who found a new way to finesse.       She made up excuses       to lead up to deuces, and loses without having to guess!	Lebanese Limerik There once was a player from Beirut who thought he would try to be cute.       He overcalled a spade       and died as he played. The post-mortem: a four-card suit
Mistaken intent I mistook my partner's intent when Grand Slam looked Heaven sent.       The opponents said double       and I was in trouble. Only now do I see what he meant!	Really sunk Bridge players on the Titanic when the iceberg hit, wouldn't panic.       “ Of course we'll go down”        said South, with a frown. “ Every king is offside – it's satanic”
Ace-queen A member who hailed from East Cheam was heard at his partner to scream       “ Trump my ace if you must,       bid six with a bust, but NEVER lead low from Ace-Queen”	To revoke is no joke There was a member from Stoke who said “Bridge is more than a joke”.       Though all my intentions       are to learn the conventions, the very next round I revoke
Ode to John... There once was a member named John who thought he was never wrong.       But he's a noisy dude       and so incredibly rude that the result is that he is long gone...	... John's final reverse ....for his reverse was four-four and I'd told him before,       that reversing shows strength       and as for the length, the first bid should always be more.
Brighter after Lightner I once bid a Lightner double and my partner went into a huddle.       He found the wrong lead       so the slam did succeed and a bottom I got for my trouble	Next rubber If your partner can't follow suit then don't behave like a brute.       Just smile, nod and chuckle       while biting your knuckle and next rubber give him the boot.

Just bid what you've got

	A competitor was called away on an emergency from a bridge tournament, with still the last board to play. So the players asked a kibitzer to take his place although he knew nothing about the game. They told him "Just bid what you've got and follow suit". He sat South and the following bidding sequence ensued:
	Dealer: ♠ A9     West North East South South ♥ AKQ65     - - - 1♣ Both vul ♦ AK     pass 2♥ pass 2♠     ♣ Q1054     pass 3♣ pass 3♥ ♠ KQ108 ♠ 76542 pass 4NT pass 7♦ ♥ J1097 ♥ 8 dbl all pass     ♦ Q10 ♦ J9         ♣ KJ8 ♣ 987632             ♠ J3                 ♥ 432                 ♦ 8765432                 ♣ A               South took the lead of the king of spades with the ace, cashed the ace and king of trumps, came to hand with the ace of clubs and played all his diamonds.   On the last one, West was hopelessly squeezed in hearts and spades, and ultimately discarded a heart, whereupon South made the last four tricks in hearts.   When the opposition saw South's hand, they called the director, who asked for an explanation of the bidding, and got the following reply…   "I was told to bid what I've got, and I have one club, 2 spades, 3 hearts and 7 diamonds!"

Bridge Songs?

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on Sunday.

The Second Time Around — the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

‘Til the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

Bridge Movies?

Double Indemnity — removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — the source of the ACBL’s new motto, “Let’s not be number 20,001.”

West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.

Fourth Best Jan: Why did you lead the nine   from K-9-7-5-2? Sue: I play fourth best. Jan: Then why not the five? Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to count from.

Important Rules

Eight Ever, Nine Never — the status quo whenever you raise 2NT to 3NT.

Second Hand Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.

Leading Through Strength — a sure-fire way to make your queens disappear.

Bedtime Story

A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: “Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.”

“Gee,” his friend said, “how do you get any sleep?”

Robbie the Robot

The first button said “Genius.” I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, “In the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational mass?”

Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said “Normal” and pressed it. Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, “In Euclidean Geometry what are the five platonic solids?”

Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled “Useless” and out of curiosity I pressed it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, “You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…”

In Other Words

A land developer was appalled with the high estimates to construct an apartment complex, and he pleaded with the contractors to lower their proposals. Almost immediately, the F.H.A. intervened and forced him to accept the lowest proposal. In other words: Because of the interference, he was unable to reverse the bidding.

Clear As Mud

Sally: No, never heard of it.

Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?

Sally: Fourth best, I guess.

Incompitance

The Invoke

A well-timed invoke is most effective against declarers who count the cards. Imagine their frustration as the 14th or 15th spade appears!

Therefore, until the authorities wise up, keep this tactic in mind. The next time you are out of a suit, consider following instead. It works!

Andy Rooney Report

I am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?

And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.

Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American Championships.

Why The Cleaning Lady Quit

Ever heard a bridge player say any of these things?

	Ten things a bridge player would never say... Marilyn White, Toronto
		This club's playing area is always at the right temperature - never too hot or too cold.
		Free coffee? No thanks.
		Cool! A four board sit-out.
		No. I don't think tournament fees are too high.
		I can always count on my partner to remember every convention on our card.
		No gosip, please. I'm not interested.
		Great. More new alerts! More new Alerts!
		One thing I can say about bridge players - they sure know how to dress.
		No matter which direction we sit, the cards always go our way.
		I don't feel like bridge today. I'd rather jog and work out.
The Richard Sampson Fun page has a load of bridge jokes.   And The Bridge Bum funny stories are worth a read.     "Bridge Humor" is out-of print but you can pick up old copies from Amazon. "Classsic Kantar - A Collection of Bridge Humor" is a new book and is actually an updated compilation of "Bridge Humor" and "The Best of Eddie Kantar". There are more books by Eddie Kantar in the Bridge book reviews section, many on Bridge Book Reviews page 8. There are many more humerous bridge books, especially those by Victor Mollo (Hideous Hog & Rueful Rabbit etc,) and by David Bird (The Abbot & Monks of St. Titus, Robin Hood etc.) and these are reviewed on Bridge Book Review pages 4, 5, 6 and 7.

If you have any suitable bridge jokes, then send me an e-mail: terry at pattayabridge dot com